Video Game Review: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

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Apparently, it takes a lot of work to do pretty much nothing in Hollywood. And it's not all that much fun.

Maybe that's the pearl of wisdom within Kim Kardashian's egotistical little video game, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. The (sort of) free title released on iOS and Android on Wednesday, giving anyone with no life a chance to 'join Kim Kardashian on a red carpet adventure' that's even more shallow than an episode of 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.'

It's all about rocketing from no-list to A-list in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, and I got to do it with exactly one talent: An ability to mindlessly jab my finger against my iPad screen. Maybe that's how it works in real life, too, in this age when we live on our smartphones, but it doesn't make for a fun game.

It's actually a painful one. The battle is against boredom and fatigue, two things that happen as you do absolutely nothing in Hollywood. You have to figure Mrs. Kanye fights the same issues in real life; she certainly sounds like it when she speaks to you in monotone throughout the game.

But she'll impart plenty of wisdom along the way. I first meet Kim shortly after I've made a surprisingly detailed, cartoony avatar of myself and closed up shop at the Hollywood boutique where I serve as a clerk. She wants back into my boutique for a new outfit, and I have no choice (even though the game pretends that I do) but to let her back in. Moments later, she's inviting me to a party and steering me towards an agent who will get me some modeling deals.

Things get interesting after that. I hit the party and flirt with a girl because hey, as Kim reminds me on a loading screen, 'Dating famous people will get you more fans, too.' She'll hook me up with somebody later, of course, but for now, I'm flirting. And for now, that gets me in trouble with a guy awaiting me outside the bar, saying I messed with his girl. We don't fight, of course; he just disses me on Twitter later.

Hey, it's 2014, and once you know Kim K., it's easy to become a star. So somehow, I can wait a few hours after my first modeling shoot, watch the NBA draft, and come back to find that I've climbed to No. 317 on the E-List and actually picked up fans.

And I just tap the money that falls at my feet after modeling gigs and after walking in to meet a publicist and an agent. Need to pose for a modeling shoot? Tap the screen a few times.

Want to end a date with a kiss? Tap a few times for a smooch.

But all that tapping wears me out, because this Hollywood lifestyle isn't easy. So midway through that impassioned kiss, the game tells me I'm out of energy (yeah, like that would happen). Turns out I need to either spend real money to purchase more energy, or I need to wait an hour or so in real life so that the game will automatically replenish my energy.

Talk about leaving a girl hanging, right? It's the tradition of iPad games these days, the way these free games can actually make money. And Kim Kardashian, despite the tappy simplicity of her first (and hopefully last) tablet game, is here to make cash. It will come from the young fans who spend real money on in-game outfits, from the 'Keeping Up With The Kardashian' diehards who hobnob with Kim, from all those who can't leave the virtual date mid-virtual kiss.

But it won't come from me. Two hours into this superficial Hollywood adventure, I have little interest in shelling out real dollars and less interest in continuing this game.

Sigh. No wonder I'm still on the E-list.

Reviewed on Apple iPad