It was watching the Kim Kardashian sex tape wot did Mike Amess in

Watershed news from Exeter - and when isn't it? - where a man may be regarded as patient zero in a potentially apocalyptic epidemic.

By this point in celebrity culture, we are familiar with the class of ailment suffered by stars: the calorie intolerances; the hospitalisations for 'exhaustion'; that picture of Madonna waving her hand sanitiser at Malawian children. But are we now seeing the next generation of fame-related illnesses: not ailments suffered by celebrities, but ailments caused by celebrities?

So to the case of Mike Amess, who apparently has a phobia of the Kardashians. Mike has bravely opened up about his illness to the press, and tells the Sun: 'Just hearing the Kardashians' nasal voices or catching a glimpse of them on screen makes me feel nauseous and shaky. My hands get clammy, my breathing gets heavier and I start sweating. Sometimes, I get teary and want to retch.'

Hey, we've all been there - unless the Guardian's guidelines on reporting mental health prevent me from saying that. In which case, let's move on to understanding the genesis of the condition. It seems it was triggered by Mike - who is gay - forcing himself to watch Kim's sex tape during his teenage years. 'I was raised Catholic and growing up, I tried to repress my sexuality and deny that I was gay. Loads of the boys at school were going on about how good Kim Kardashian's sex tape was.' Mike relates how he downloaded it and took a look, 'but the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible, high-pitch wailing repulsed me ... The experience left me terrified and I never wanted to see her face again.'

That, as we now know, would become increasingly like never wanting to see the sky again, as the reality star's full-spectrum dominance of Earth was attained. Quite where Mike could realistically take refuge these days is unclear. It used to be thought that there was one uncontacted Amazonian tribe that had yet to follow the rest of the world's economies in making the Kardashians as societally essential as gas or oil. But I'm afraid rumours that Kim is to be paid 500,000 beads for a PA at their new nightclub-hut are becoming just too insistent to ignore.